More than five years before Laura and Robbie
were born, I lost a tiny baby to an ectopic
pregnancy on August 2, 1977. We do not
even know if the baby was a boy or girl, as
the tiny fetus was destroyed when my fallopian
tube burst. (For those who do not know, an
ectopic or tubal pregnancy occurs when the
tiny embryo becomes accidentally stuck in the
fallopian tube on its way to the uterus; the tube,
of course, is not capable of enlarging with the
growing embryo, so it eventually bursts, killing
the tiny life within it and threatening the life of
the mother.)


At the time, no one acknowledged that I had lost
a baby. Of course, everyone expressed concern
for my health, as I came close to losing my life
when I almost hemorrhaged to death, and so many
people sent cards and flowers and get-well wishes.
But the baby, who had been so long desired, was
never mentioned---unless I brought up the subject;
and then everyone seemed uncomfortable with the
discussion.


So, I gradually learned to put the little baby into the
safe confines of my heart, which had so yearned to
hold this precious infant, and I almost never mentioned
him/her.


It wasn't until many years later, after both Laura and
Robbie were born, that I decided to give a name to
this little baby who had never made it to earthly life,
and I chose a name which could apply equally well to
a boy or a girl: Jordan Kelly Smith. I won't know
whether Jordan is a boy or a girl until I make it to
heaven and get to hold him or her in my arms.


Do babies age in heaven? Or will an infant Jordan still
be awaiting my embrace? I cannot tell you. But I am
sure that Jordan will be there waiting for me, along with
Robbie, and that I will "recognize" him or her at once as
my precious child.





Song for a Baby Who Never Saw Earth

Oh, precious life that grew within me,
Product of our dearest love,
How I yearn to hold you closely,
Though you've flown to God above.


I know that you are safe and well now,
Cuddled close in angels' wings,
But I yearned to get to know you
And to share our earthly things.


I know the splendor of God's heaven
Must make human life seem mild,
But, oh! the joy we would have shown you,
Had you lived with us, dear child.


You cannot come back to us, darling,
But some day, we'll come to you,
And in heaven we'll finally meet you;
Until then, we'll love you true.


For you are part of us forever,
Though we never saw you here,
And we love you without measure,
Always you're our baby, dear.


Saralyn McAfee Smith

(Though I wrote this poem for my webfriend
Amanda Bowden's precious little angel, the
inspiration for my feelings
was my own lost angel baby, Jordan,
who will always be in my heart.)

Beloved Little Baby

Beloved little baby,
We wanted you so much,
Longed to see your precious face,
Longed to feel your touch.

God wanted you in heaven,
As you were special, dear,
And though we cannot see you,
We know you're always near.

Written for My Angel Baby Jordan
Saralyn McAfee Smith
September 1, 2008

Baby Mine

 

Dear little baby mine, I cannot know

If I should call you "son" or "daughter," dear;

I only know God wanted you up there;

It was not best that I should keep you here.

 

I never saw your eyes---I wonder now

If they were blue and if your hair had curls;

I only know God holds a baby close,

And it is mine, my little boy...or girl.

 

You were so very much a part of me

For many weeks, I can but wonder why;

But God knows best, and He'll care for you

Much better than I could....and yet I sigh.

 

In dreams I've felt the softness of your skin;

I've seen the shining luster of your hair;

I chose your name.....but all those dreams

Will never come true 'cause you're up there.

 

But someday I will see you, baby mine;

I'll hold you in these arms so empty now.

If you had stayed, you might have suffered, too;

And so I know 'twas best.  I only bow

 

My head and whisper one lone prayer to God

To take away the loneliness I feel today,

And till time heals the hurt, help me to say

With sincere heart, "Thy will....not mine, always."

 

Author Unknown